


Used to Be but Are

by leviathanchronicles



Series: Danganronpa Character Studies [4]
Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Character Study, Gen, POV Alternating, Stream of Consciousness, [REDACTED], not between characters but in terms of pronouns, this is kind of weird please use discretion if you struggle w dissociation !
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 04:05:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18984907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leviathanchronicles/pseuds/leviathanchronicles
Summary: On existing, but also not existing, but then existing again.





	Used to Be but Are

They do remember being born, in a weird, infantile way--they don’t think they age, but they do, sort of--born isn’t the right word, but the meaning comes across.

Here is what being “born” was like: they were not, but they were--and in the same way, they were, but they soon realized they were not.

It is confusing. They do not expect you to understand that which they cannot comprehend. 

So they exist, somewhat, and they are taken home from the hospital by loving parents of someone who is not them. Their first imitation comes without intention--their body ages in such a way that they can pass as the child they came home as. It isn’t planned, and indeed, it takes a while to understand that they’re imitating anyone at all. 

They feel no connection to the name they are called. When they reach for their real name, deep in the shadows of their mind, they find nothing. And so they let the name settle like a bottle of salad dressing that’s been sitting on a shelf.

When they’ve been living with these parents for seven-ish years, someone knocks on the door--”it appears that there’s been a mix-up”--they’re gone before anyone can ask questions that they can’t answer.

And that is when they realize that mostly, they are not.

* * *

 

Here is what the next [??]  years are like: they are. They are. They are. And they tell themselves this every time they jump identities, looking for one that feels as absolute as they need to feel as though they exist.

They do not exist.

They do not expect you to care about the identities they have taken. Most were for mere weeks. That is not entertaining, and they would prefer if you were kept interested. They would implore you to keep reading.

They digress.

* * *

 

Byakuya Togami is interesting. People know his name. People know he exists. They want to be recognized, and so they make sure they are.  _ Togami _ \--the name is still not theirs, but with a little bit of practice, it sits more comfortably. 

When the letter arrives, they see the Hope’s Peak address and hesitate, because it is only right that they should. They have answered a number of letters that mistakenly found their way to them, but never the ones they thought truly important. And an invitation to the most prestigious high school in Japan is important.

But the letter isn’t addressed to Byakuya Togami. It isn’t addressed to anyone, actually--the postman came to their door, handed it to them personally. They find that strange, and so they open the letter.

It’s meant for--well, it’s meant for no one, as far as they can tell. It’s addressed to no one, but the content suggests it is for them.

There is a gap now. There is something there, but--but it’s just like their name, their birthday, every other identifying feature about them. They can feel it there, but they can’t tell if this is actually reality, or merely a personal desire coming to head as a self-fulfilling feeling.

Their existence is much the same.

* * *

 

If Byakuya Togami is absolute, Ryota Mitarai is the exact opposite. It is strange, going from being universally recognized to barely leaving a blip on the radar--not even solely in levels of fame, but in behavior, too. They have found that the more people that recognize [them], the easier it is to accept their own existence; by the time Byakuya comes to Hope’s Peak, they almost feel like his name really is their own.

Then they are Ryota, and they don’t go to class, not really, even though the point was that they would. It’s hard to break past certain walls--Ryota doesn’t go to class until [he] is forced into it. 

They notice the way their classmates hesitate when they first come to class with their new identity--they stand their ground, insist they’ve always been there, and the classmates blink once or twice or laugh or just move on. Someone questions Byakuya’s arrival, says that it seems strange, but no one can really put a finger on why that is. 

Perhaps they would mind this more, had they not already formed a strange kind of friendship with Ryota. To be recognized--this is a joy that has never quite made it to the surface of their mind, and they cling to it. Maybe there is an identity in this--maybe being recognized by one person means more than being [recognized] by everyone. 

They have been at Hope’s Peak Academy for a year, and they [are] Ryota Mitarai, but mostly, they are preparing to live as themself.

* * *

 

They have been at Hope’s Peak Academy for [??], and they are [??]. Sometimes, memories get muddled.

* * *

 

[??] [are] [??].

* * *

 

[You] are a new student at Hope’s Peak Academy, and some strange pink bunny creature has brought you and your classmates to some strange island.

As far as your classmates are concerned, you are Byakuya Togami. This name is unfamiliar--it’s new, and it sits on you poorly. No one else has any problem with it, though, and so it is easy to take control and to give orders. It’s easier still when Monokuma announces the change in regulations; people are afraid, and they’re looking for someone to lead them.

You are not many things, but you are skilled at understanding people. It is your greatest asset. You also have no plans of letting anyone die. As far as you’re concerned, the real Byakuya would feel the same way. Your inability to confirm this has no bearing on your actions; sometimes, one must take some artistic liberties.

The liberties you take are all with the hopes of saving a few lives. You have a high regard for the value of human existence; so many people don’t appreciate the simple joy of existing, but that doesn’t mean you’ll let it be stolen away from them.

You are not an actor. You [are] the people you impersonate; there is no false identity, not when you take on the personality so entirely. It isn’t identity theft, it’s your life. You would happily defend this claim if anyone ever found out the truth. You are Byakuya Togami, and everything you do reflects this.

Interestingly enough, in the seconds between the blackout and blacking out, you are not concerned about what your death means for the Togami Corporation at all.

* * *

 

There’s this in-between space that you wake up in, which both exists and doesn’t exist. You are distantly aware of what happens among the [living]; you’re aware that, for all intents and purposes, you are dead, but also that death doesn’t really exist here.

It feels like the kind of place you might call home.

So you didn’t [exist] long enough to make a difference, to save lives--well, you barely had a chance. You accept this with grace.

* * *

 

[You] wake up [??] later, on an island again, but much more concrete.

[They] [I] [We] were [are?] remnants of despair, but those remnants are making an effort to redefine themselves, to make up for what they destroyed.

Everyone struggles with the way memories mix and dissolve. Most people have no reason to be used to the way you have to fill things in, identify which pieces go where, which pieces are associated with which part of themselves.

It almost feels like even footing.

* * *

 

[They] still don’t have a place in the world, but at least they are no longer alone. 

**Author's Note:**

> this was definitely something new for me, and tbh i don't really get it either dkjfjdk. 
> 
> you can check out my other dr character studies if you're so inclined (they're mostly sdr2 bc tbh that's my fave game), you can ask me to try my hand at another character, whatever -- in any case, kudos/comments are super cool and always appreciated!


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